Sweet cards from my children and my parents. Kevin gave me an awesome card later in the day. It was heartfelt and touching.
Kevin also bought me 2 sets of Tom Baker Doctor Who videos. I love Tom Baker Doctor Who. A few months ago, I got rid of most of our VHS tapes of Doctor Who in a fit. I've become something of a DVD snob and I knew I could get the DVD's at the library if I wanted to. But having our own at home is far better, especially since some library DVD's have grubby fingerprints if they've been in circulation for a while. So I have a dream of collecting all the Tom Baker Doctor Who's on DVD.
On a more serious note, what is it like for me to be 46?
I tend to think about numbers, being a numbers person. 46 * 2 = 92. I think given that I am diabetic, it is unlikely that I will live to age 92. Therefore, I am probably more than halfway through my life. That is an interesting thought.
It is natural to fear death and I suppose I do, but in some ways I don't. I know that Jesus is my Savior and Heaven is my permanent home. I want to live here on earth for a long, long time, as I know I'm an important person in the lives of my husband, my children, and a bunch of other people. I know I have a lot more work to do here on earth, and also have many fun things to do on earth as well.
46 is also an age when many women are going through hormonal changes, and I'm not an exception. The last few months I've been struggling with more anxiety than usual, with a little depression thrown in for bad measure. Yesterday I saw my primary care doctor and discussed how I'm feeling, and we decided to try an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication to see if it helps me feel better. That wasn't my idea of the most fun thing to do on my birthday, but the doctor had an open appointment so I took it.
The older I get, the more I realize how many of life's problems are multifaceted. I have a melancholy personality. I have a lot on my plate with 9 children, 3 of whom are under 5 and very very busy. I like to plan ahead and my older children are moving into a time when they are making more decisions about life and what they want to do as adults. Our eldest will be driving in a few months! I know, with every iota of my being, that Kevin and I need to coach our kids and release them into adulthood as they move into their late teens. But it isn't easy for someone like me. I don't like surprises and uncertainty, when of course life is full of surprises and uncertainties. Especially life with children!
We're also in a spiritual battle. I do believe in demonic attack. I posted a note on my dresser a few days ago: God loves me. Satan hates me.
I can tell, intellectually, that my life is really really good. I'm thankful for a wonderful Christian counselor whom I am seeing on an irregular basis. I'm thankful for a wonderful husband and 9 fantastic children. I'm thankful for beloved extended family and friends. But the reality is that sometimes everything outside can be going quite well, but I'm still sad and stressed. That's where I'm at now, but I'm working on it. I'm working towards more joy in my spiritual and emotional life.
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